Gerard Michel-Lyon said

I visited Margate after seeing my fluent French speaking Idol Del Boy Trotter in ‘A jolly boys outing to Margate’ so I then targeted an established English Estate agent , doing far too well and offering far too much service to their Roast Boeuf clients. A quick whiff of my garlicy breath and the owner passed out, I doubt he will survive'.

"For too long, you English people have been lied to. Think of Brexit, Boris and his Covid soirees, and in my opinion, worst of all, the way estate agents have been marketed your homes. Let's face it, the English can't even bring football home, let alone sell homes properly."

But I will revolutionise the way properties are described and marketed. There will be no false promises and absurd advice to bake bread before viewers attend your home. Or to create a lifestyle that does not match the home. You cannot be selling Prosecco and trick people into thinking it's Champagne, no?

Today, Gerard Michel-Lyon launches his company Lyon Estates in all four capital UK cities as well Margate which he is particularly fond of.

His agency grew to dominate the French market with its near the knuckle advice and painfully honest assessments of properties it is selling.

Michel-Lyon spoke via an interpreter and outlined his ultra-ambitious plans while on his superyacht Le Duper Magnifique with an open letter to property owners.

The man nicked 'le grand guillotine' due to the way he cuts costs selling homes by offering 'non' service whatsoever said: 

"Lyon Estates prides itself on honest deception, sorry , descriptions, real-life social media ADVICE from Mouisour Bourry, my internet onion farmer who has many layers,   and a certain va-va voom like a Twizzy that we will bring to Margate , Ramsgate, Broadstairs , Paris , London, Belfast, Glasgow and Swansea. We use the pantalon violet model"

The agency's legendary 'Le Grosse Dix' advice for homeowners on social media includes.

"If you have children make sure they aren't home for viewings, so they're whining doesn't irritate potential buyers."

"When selling, replace your current dog with a Golden Labrador as everyone loves them."

"Swap treasured family photos for pretentious, meaningless art."

"To make your property feel like a real family home, fling toys everywhere and smudge windows with sticky fingers."

"Create a wow factor by making a path of yellow rose petals leading to the property and cleaning the toilet bowl and picking up doggy do-do."

"Avoid having a cigar or strong curry an hour before viewers are due."

"Remove any Stella-Artois and wine bottles from your neighbours recycling bins when viewings are due."

"Hide in the cupboard under the stairs during viewings to hear what people really think about your home."

"Only park on your drive if you have a Range Rover or better car."

"Run a bubble bath and invite viewers to try it for an immersive viewing experience."

Michel- Lyons added: "You fell in love with me, our wine, cheese, footballers, Sacha Distel, Del Boy and Vanessa Paradis. Now it's time to adore the French Revolution when selling your domicile."

Mr Cooke former owner of Cooke & Co and his local team could not be reached for comment they are recovering in hospital after inhaling, what is thought to be, weaponsided breath.

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